Prince Harry: The Lycans Legacy

2012-7-5

Something is stirring in Windsor castle...something hairy. An epic play in three acts.

Characters:

Royals:

The QUEEN of England.

The DUKE of Edinburgh.

CHARLES, Prince of Wales.

CAMILLA Parker-Bowles, Charles's lover.

WILLIAM, a Prince of England.

DIANA, Princess of Wales.

TIGGY, Diana's handmaid.

HARRY, a Prince of England.

Major James HEWITT, a Guard and Diana's lover.

Muhamed AL-FAYAD, an Egyptian billionaire.

A GENERAL, of the British Army.

An OFFICER, of the British Army.

The ARCHBISHOP of Canterbury.

PIPPA Middleton.

KATE Middleton, William's betrothed.

A DOCTOR to the Royals

Also:

TOURISTS

GUESTS

SOLDIERS

GUARDS

INSURGENTS

YOUNG HARRY

YOUNG WILLIAM

GIRL

SUBJECT

WEREWOLF

Act 1_

_

Scene 1: Windsor Castle, evening. TOURISTS are taking photographs.

(Enter: HEWITT wearing a dagger.)

HEWITT (loudly): Closing time! Please move along. I say, the castle is closed.

TOURIST: What he say?

HEWITT: Its half past eleven!

TOURIST What?

HEWITT: Closed.

(Enter: TIGGY)

TIGGY: Good evening Major Hewitt. I thought you could handle the common people.

(Exit TOURISTS out, one of them drops a Note.)

HEWITT: Well you know miss, they do so love the Royal Family. National Pride and all that.

TIGGY: Thats all very well James, but the Princess needs this room ready for tonight.

HEWITT: The Princess?

TIGGY: Yes

HEWITT: Not to worry miss, I'll have it ready in no time. You run along and fetch her.

(Exit: TIGGY)

HEWITT (to audience): Well, its not very exciting being a Life Guard, mostly watching tourists all day... Not like when they gave me my own Challenger tank in Iraq. But the Princess... that's something I could get excited about! Wait, I think she's coming.

(HEWITT stands at attention by the door.

ENTER: TIGGY and DIANA)

DIANA (Laughing): And so I said to him - I don't even know how to use a parking meter, let alone a phone box.

TIGGY (Laughing): Oh, very good your highness. Capital.

TIGGY picks up the Note.

TIGGY: Oh, I say, those tourists do make a mess!

DIANA: Yes I know Tiggy darling, but it's my job to love them. Why I do think I love them almost as much as my prince!

TIGGY: William?

DIANA: Of course darling, whoever else would I mean?

(DIANA sits.)

TIGGY (laughing): Why, its got something written on it.

DIANA: Let me see. (Reads) Beware the Lycans - whatever does that mean?

TIGGY: Why, I've no idea ma'am.

DIANA: You must take it to the Queen, it could be important.

TIGGY: But your highness!

DIANA: Quickly now. I'm sure I'm safe with ... (looks at HEWITT) the guard.

TIGGY: Very well ma'am.

(Exit TIGGY.

DIANA stands, approaches HEWITT.)

DIANA: Major Hewitt, is it?

HEWITT: Yes ma'am.

(HEWITT Salutes.)

DIANA (laughing): Your not in the Gulf, Major.

HEWITT: Sorry M'am, I...

DIANA: I say Major, is that dagger standard issue?

HEWITT: Yes M'am, its a silver dagger of the Life Guards.

DIANA: I see, well, it looks bigger than usual.

(DIANA sits and reads. A Clock strikes midnight. The window blows open. An unearthly Howl is heard.)

DIANA: Major, could you see about that window?

(HEWITT moves to window. The WEREWOLF appears on the windowsill. He enters, knocking HEWITT over. Diana stands and screams.)

WEREWOLF (to Diana): Your kind has ruled England for too long!

DIANA: My kind?

WEREWOLF: Tonight I break the chain. I'll destroy you and Prince William!

(He chases DIANA, HEWITT intervenes. )

WEREWOLF: Stand aside, Life Guard! This isn't your fight!

HEWITT: Never!

WEREWOLF: Then die!

(They fight. HEWITT stabs WEREWOLF with his dagger.)

WEREWOLF: Pure silver!

(WEREWOLF scratches HEWITT's face.)

WEREWOLF: I curse you, Major James Hewitt.

(WEREWOLF dies.)

DIANA: James!

HEWITT: Are you alright, princess?

DIANA: Yes perfectly... you saved me from... that thing, that monster!

(HEWITT falls, DIANA goes to his side.)

DIANA: Oh my word, James, are you alright?

HEWITT(Touching his face):I'm fine... I just.

(Enter TIGGY with GUARDS. )

TIGGY: Your highness!

DIANA (Sobbing): Oh Tiggy! That... thing it came through the window.

TIGGY: Weren't you on guard Hewitt?

(HEWITT groans.

Guards shut the window. They kick the body of the WEREWOLF.)

GUARD: Well well, looks like Hewitt managed to do something right. Its no easy feat taking down a Lycan in single combat.

TIGGY: What did you say?

GUARD: A Lycan. A werewolf m'am.

DIANA: Tiggy, I owe major Hewitt my life.

GUARD: Don't worry m'am, we'll take him to the infirmary and have him patched up in no time. Then you can thank him yourself.

 


Scene 2: Windsor Castle. CHARLES, CAMILLA, the DUKE, and the QUEEN, seated on a throne. There is a table with three chalices and three chairs.

CAMILLA: I say, have you heard about this ghastly business?

CHARLES: What business?

CAMILLA: The Russians. In Afghanistan.

DUKE: Foolish. Damn foolish.

QUEEN: I do declare, if they wish to fulfil the prophecy, they are twenty years too early at a minimum.

DUKE: They will never hold Afghanistan for that long. They may wear pyjamas, those Afghans, but they are tough. Damn tough.

QUEEN: The prophecy is quite clear. Gehenna can't be achieved until the future. We are in agreement great clans of New York, Los Angeles, and Fiji.

DUKE: Poland. You forgot Poland.

QUEEN: Ah yes, and Poland, of course.

CAMILLA: So you mean...

CHARLES: Nothing to worry about, my dear.

(Enter TIGGY and the DOCTOR).

TIGGY: Right this way please, Doctor.

DOCTOR: How is her breathing?

TIGGY: Why..

QUEEN: Just a moment Tiggy, who is this man?

DOCTOR: Ah..Dr. Thomas, your majesty.

QUEEN: Ah Dr. Thomas. We know that Diana has found this pregnancy difficult. We hope you can assure us that there will be no complications.

DOCTOR: Certainly, m'am.

QUEEN: Very good then doctor. You may see to your patient.

DOCTOR: Thank you m'am.

TIGGY (To doctor): She's suffered the most dreadful headaches, dizziness, and nausea after every bite! Why must a woman be so ill, just because she's pregnant?

DOCTOR: Well...

(Exit: TIGGY and DOCTOR

CHARLES paces.)

CAMILLA: Don't worry so much darling. Everything will be alright. You were worried about William too, and he turned out alright, didn't he?

DUKE: William! Has that boy learned to hunt yet?

CHARLES: No..not yet.

CAMILLA: He's barely three.

QUEEN: Charles, do be so kind as to ask the servants to send in a subject, we expect this shall be a long night.

DUKE: Splendid! Splendid!

(CHARLES moves to the door.)

CHARLES: You there! Fetch a subject for the Queen!

CAMILLA: About that prophecy...

CHARLES: Oh, don't worry about that. The Moscow Clan will wear themselves out trying to hold Afghanistan until Gehenna. A candle burning at both ends, wot?

CAMILLA: Well, I should hope so...

(GUARDS enter with SUBJECT.)

DUKE: Ah! Jolly good.

(QUEEN beckons. Subject curtseys. Offstage there is a scream.)

DUKE: I say!

QUEEN: Nothing to worry about my dear, come closer.

CHARLES: That doctor had better not make a meal of things, or i'll make a meal of him!

QUEEN: Closer. You may kiss the royal hand.

(The SUBJECT steps on the dias, the QUEEN bites her neck. Blood everywhere. The subject shudders and dies. CHARLES, CAMILLA, and the DUKE applaud politely.)

CHARLES: Quickly, chalices!

DUKE: Capital!

(CAMILLA, CHARLES, and the DUKE fetch chalices from the table and fill them with the subject's blood. )

DUKE: Chin chin!

CHARLES and CAMILLA: Chin Chin!

(All consume blood. Offstage another scream is heard, followed by the sounds of a baby crying.

TIGGY Enters.)

CHARLES: Well?

TIGGY: A boy, your highness.. but..

CHARLES: What?

TIGGY: It seems that, unexpectedly, the child - boy

DUKE: Out with it!

TIGGY: Its a Lycan, Sir.

(CHARLES sits. CAMILLA gasps.)

CHARLES: What the devil?

(QUEEN looks up.)

DUKE: A Lycan?

QUEEN: Fetch that doctor!

TIGGY: Yes m'am.

(Exit TIGGY.

QUEEN stands, covered in blood. She drops the SUBJECT's corpse on the floor and points at CHARLES.)

QUEEN: You! We told you no good would come of marrying that subject!

DUKE: Always said you should have turned her, my boy.

CHARLES: Ah...She wouldn't be turned...

(Enter TIGGY and DOCTOR.)

QUEEN: What is the meaning of this!

DOCTOR: Well, your majesty...

QUEEN: What is to be done?

DUKE: Ill tear that wolf pup in two! In two I say!

TIGGY: Its too late m'am. The subjects already know about the child.

QUEEN: Your right. Doctor?

DOCOTR: Well uh.. it can be suppressed.

CAMILLA: Suppressed?

DOCTOR: A tincture of silver nitrate administered daily should keep the Lycanthropy under control.

QUEEN: See to it doctor, and do not fail. If word gets to the other clans that we have a Lycan in our midst, it will be our downfall.

DOCTOR: Yes m'am.

(Exit DOCTOR. The QUEEN sits.)

QUEEN: As for that cheating bitch of a mother, we shall plan something special for her.

DUKE: Hear hear.

QUEEN: Charles, you must divorce her... not straight away, the subjects wont approve.

CAMILLA: They might..

CHARLES raises his hand.

CHARLES: Yes, mother.

QUEEN: Tiggy, see to it that that...thing gets his tincture every day. It is your responsibility.

TIGGY: Yes m'am.

QUEEN: Oh and Tiggy, what is the wolf pup called?

TIGGY: Harry, your majesty. His name is Harry.

 


Scene 3: Windsor gardens. Young WILLIAM is playing with a large doll. Young HARRY is playing with a young GIRL. CHARLES, DIANA and TIGGY are in conversation.

_

CHARLES: I say, you heard the Russians had to pull out of Afghanistan after all?

TIGGY: You said they would.

CHARLES: And I was quite right!

DIANA: Yes, I had heard. Although they left land mines all over the countryside. Horrible things.

CHARLES(Laughing): No no Wills, not like that. Here, like this.

(CHARLES shows WILLIAM how to bite the neck of his doll.)

CHARLES: Well its jolly good news for us, and for the Americans.

TIGGY: I suppose the Russian's wont have much stamina left.

HARRY: Mummy, I want a dolly.

DIANA: You dont need one darling, you have a real friend to play with, now run along.

(HARRY and the GIRL resume playing.)

TIGGY: He's growing so fast. And so much hair already.

CHARLES (Scratching his scalp): Yes... so much hair indeed. How is his medication?

TIGGY: Why, I administer it every day, just as the doctor ordered.

CHARLES: I see. Well then. Have you seen that new building they are putting up across the river? Ghastly! I shall write a very strong letter just as soon as I get inside.

(Prince WILLIAM sneaks up behind the GIRL and bites her in the neck. HARRY screams.)

CHARLES: Thats the way my boy! Good show!

(CHARLES and TIGGY applaud, DIANA moves to comfort HARRY).

DIANA: There there, don't be frightened. I think its time to go inside for your medicine. Tiggy?

TIGGY: Come Harry, its time for your treat!

 

Act 2.

_Scene 1: A military tent in Afghanistan. An OFFICER and a GENERAL are drinking and playing cards.

_

OFFICER: Well that was lucky for you then, General. A game of luck

GENERAL looks at the cards.

GENERAL: Luck? I would say its ninety percent luck. The other half is strategy.

OFFICER: Speaking of luck, how do you feel about having Harry Wales assigned to the regiment.

GENERAL. Feel? I feel its a spot of bad luck, old boy. Prince Harry.

(OFFICER deals more cards.)

OFFICER: Hmm, I have some orders for him. Listen, I wouldn't want this to get around, but I've never entirely trusted them.

GENERAL: The Royals?

OFFICER: No, gingers.

GENERAL: Gingers? Hah!

OFFICER: Some say, they don't have souls.

GENERAL: The Royals?

OFFICER: No, Gingers!

GENERAL: Balderdash! I've met Harry and his brother William, and let me tell you between the two of them, Harry is the one with a soul. A good soul. A soldier's soul.

(The GENERAL stands and moves to the edge of the tent.)

GENERAL: Tommy? Fetch Harry Wales on the double!

TOMMY (Offstage): Yes sah!

(Enter HARRY.)

HARRY: Lieutenant Harry Wales reporting, sir!

(HARRY Salutes.)

GENERAL: Very good Wales. Where are you Lieutenant Wales?

HARRY: In your tent sir!

GENERAL: Ah yes. Quite. And where is this tent?

HARRY: Helmand, sir!

OFFICER: Very good Wales, very good. We are in Helmand. And why, Lieutenant Wales?

HARRY: Sir?

GENERAL: Why are you in Helmand, Lieutenant Wales?

HARRY: Couldn't say, sir!

GENERAL: Couldn't say. Couldn't say. Officer?

OFFICER stands and faces HARRY.

OFFICER: Lieutenant Wales!

HARRY: Yes sir?

OFFICER: Morale, Wales. You are here to raise morale.

HARRY: Yes sir. To raise morale.

OFFICER: And, Wales, because it is good P.R.

HARRY: Yes sir, public relations.

OFFICER: I know what P.R. is Lieutenant Wales! I am chief press officer for this F.O.B! Do you know what an F.O.B. is Lieutenant Wales?

HARRY: Forward Operating Base, sir.

OFFICER: Very good Wales, a forward operating base. That means that its very dangerous.

GENERAL: By God, the danger!

OFFICER: And if anything were to happen to you, it would be exceedingly poor for morale, not to mention bad P.R. Do you understand?

HARRY: Yes sir, bad for morale.

OFFICER: Nevertheless, we must have a photo opportunity. Therefore, you are hereby ordered to take your men to the top of Sangin ridge by 2400 hours - without incident - to prepare for a photo shoot at dawn.

HARRY: Yes sir.

OFFICER: Very good Wales. Dismissed.

(HARRY salutes and moves to exit.)

GENERAL: Wales?

HARRY: Yes sir?

GENERAL: There have been some disturbances on that ridge.

HARRY: Disturbances, sir?

GENERAL: Yes. Our intelligence unit can't confirm it. Nevertheless, exercise extreme health and safety and all that.

HARRY: Yes sir!

(Exit: HARRY.)

 


Scene 2: Sangin Ridge._

(Enter HARRY, SERGEANT, SOLDIERS.)

HARRY: Alright boys, catch your breath while we get our bearings. Sergeant, where is that map.

SERGEANT: Here, sir.

SERGEANT holds up the map for HARRY while the soldiers take a seat. HARRY studies the map, while the soldiers take turns playing charades.

(SOLDIER 1 moonwalks.)

SOLDIER 2: Michael Jackson.

SOLDIER 1: yeah.

SOLDIER 2: Alright, alright.

(SOLDIER 2 mimes kicking a football.)

HARRY (to SERGEANT): Get on the radio to HQ and tell them where we are.

SERGEANT: Yessah.

SERGEANT puts down a radio and plays with the dials.

SOLDIER 3: David Beckham!

(SOLDIER 2 shakes his head, and mimes a troll. HARRY turns around.)

HARRY,SOLDIER 1 & 2: Rooney!

SOLDIER 3: Your turn then, sir.

(HARRY goose steps. )

SOLDIER 1: ah... Hitler sir?

(Enter INSURGENTS, shooting. Combat.)

INSURGENT: Allah akbar!

(SERGEANT dies. SOLDIERS and HARRY dive for cover. SOLDIERS return fire, HARRY picks up radio.)

HARRY: Come in, Come in HQ!

(SOLDIER 2 dies. Suddenly a full moon is revealed above the stage. Howling off stage. )

HARRY: ahh! Whats happening!

(HARRY changes into a werewolf. Exit SOLDIERS. HARRY attacks INSURGENTS.)

INSURGENT: Allah!

(INSURGENTS shoot HARRY and he collapses.)

 


Scene 3: Insurgents Cave. An INSURGENT tends a wounded HARRY.

(HARRY awakens).

HARRY: Where am I? What happened?

(HARRY tries to move but is overwhelmed by pain. He cries out.)

INSURGENT: Easy Prince Harry, you must not move so.

HARRY: You.... you're...

INSURGENT: Yes. Now let me tend to you, you are hurt.

(INSURGENT applies balm to HARRY.)

HARRY: Back there, on the ridge. Something came over me, I felt... rage!

INSURGENT: You killed many. Their souls are in paradise.

HARRY: How long have I been here?

INSURGENT: Forty days, and forty nights.

HARRY: My god. Whatever is happening to me?

(Enter AL-FAYED.)

AL-FAYED: I can answer that!

HARRY: Who the bloody hell are you?

AL-FAYAD: I am Muhamed Al-Fayad, your Highness. I am a friend of Princess Diana, and the owner of Harrod's department store.

HARRY: Mother?

AL-FAYAD: Yes, Prince. I am a friend.

HARRY: Then help me get back to my men!

AL-FAYAD: All in good time, my Prince. You need rest. Let me tell you a story while Osama tends to your side.

INSURGENT places bandages on HARRY who reclines.

AL-FAYAD: Once there was a girl, as pure as the sun and as beautiful as the moon.

HARRY: You mean, my mother.

AL-FAYAD: Yes Harry. But she was taken into an Evil family by a wicked man.

HARRY: You mean, my father.

AL-FAYAD: Yes. I mean... No.

INSURGENT: Let me try. Harry, have you ever wondered why your hair is so red?

HARRY: My mother said it was a family trait.

INSURGENT: Well, yes. But on your father's side.

HARRY: Thats ridiculous, the Royals don't have red hair!

(INSURGENT and AL-FAYAD nod.)

HARRY: You mean...my God!

AL-FAYAD: Yes Harry, the Royal family is really a clan of vampires.

HARRY: What the hell?

AL-FAYAD: Oh crap.

INSURGENT: Harry, your real father is James Hewitt. When he was younger, he was in the Life Guards, and saved the princess from a werewolf attack. In the process, he was cursed and became a werewolf himself. Since you carry his blood, you carry his curse. You are a werewolf.

HARRY: A what?

AL-FAYAD: A werewolf, the sworn enemy of the vampire.

HARRY: But my family..

AL-FAYAD: They have always known what you are, but they sought to keep it suppressed with a tincture of silver nitrate.

INSURGENT: While you have been on your tour of duty, they have been unable to ensure that you receive your tincture. Forty days ago, your true nature was revealed.

HARRY: Oh good heavens. Did my mother know?

AL-FAYAD: Yes she knew. She always intended to reveal your true nature when she felt you were old enough to bear the responsibility. However, before she could tell you the truth, the vampires had her killed.

HARRY: You mean, she was murdered in that tunnel?

AL-FAYAD: Yes Harry, it wasn't the paparazzi on that motorbike, it was a vampire assassin.

HARRY: Lies! It can't be true!

(HARRY tries to get up, but is unable due to pain.)

Al-FAYAD: Easy Harry. You are still too weak.

HARRY: But everything I have known in my life has been a lie.

AL-FAYAD: No Harry, not everything. Your mother's love was true.

HARRY: Well ok, fine. But everything else has been a lie.

INSURGENT: Pretty much, yes.

AL-FAYAD: But you know what is right, you know what you must do.

HARRY: I must go back to England and avenge my mother.

AL-FAYAD: Yes. Precisely. But, I must tell you something else.

HARRY: Jesus christ there is more?

AL-FAYAD: Yes! It is the whole reason why you are in Afghanistan.

HARRY: I know, its for public relations...

AL-FAYAD: No, it involves the prophecy of Gehenna

HARRY: What? Look, I really don't care at this point...

AL-FAYAD: But the prophecy will come true on your brother's wedding day unless you can stop him.

HARRY: Fine.

AL-FAYAD: See, the prophecy states that the son of a vampire male and a human female when united...

HARRY: I already said I would stop them!

AL-FAYAD: This is good news. But anyways the prophecy...

INSURGENT (interrupting): Harry, all you need to know is that you won't be alone.

HARRY: Who will help me?

INSURGENT: Well, there will be a woman.

HARRY: A woman?

INSURGENT: Well, a girl.

HARRY: Who is she?

AL-FAYAD: Don't worry Harry. You will recognise her when you see her.

HARRY: How?

AL-FAYAD: How?

HARRY: How will I recognise her?

AL-FAYAD: Ah...

INSURGENT: Her bum.

HARRY: What?

Al-FAYAD: Ah, the prophecy says she will have a nice bum.

(HARRY collapses.)

 

Act 3.

_

Scene 1: Westminster Cathedral. A line of small trees across the stage. PIPPA is on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor, humming to herself._

PIPPA: It's all very well Kate joining the Royals, but still theres something not quite right about them.

PIPPA stands.

PIPPA: I mean, after all, they are the biggest landowners in Europe, why they can't hire someone to scrub their floors instead of relying on the public I don't know.

(Enter TIGGY carrying flowers.)

TIGGY: Ah there you are Pippa. Here, lets get these flowers up. Your sister and the prince will be along at any moment.

(PIPPA takes flowers and rushes to place them on the walls.)

TIGGY: Quickly now. Wills and Kate. Thats what they are calling them.

PIPPA: Who?

TIGGY: Why your sister and Prince William of course.

PIPPA: No but... who is calling them Wills and Kate?

TIGGY: Why, the Sun of course.

(TIGGY paces the stage.)

TIGGY: I suppose you must consider yourself quite fortunate. What an honor for the granddaughter of a coal miner to be joining the Royals.

PIPPA: Oh I know Tiggy, its just that... well sometimes

TIGGY: Yes?

PIPPA: It's William. Sometimes he looks at me in a strange way.

TIGGY: Oh come Pippa, you're an attractive girl and he's a young man, its only natural, even if he is to marry your sister.

PIPPA: No, it's nothing like that. It's like...he's hungry.

TIGGY (laughing): Don't be ridiculous!

PIPPA: And its not just William, it's all of them. The whole royal family...but what do I know about royalty, I am just a coal miner's granddaughter.

TIGGY: Quite. Now, lets have no more of that kind of talk. Wills and Kate are coming.

(Enter: WILLIAM and KATE.)

WILLIAM: Hello Pippa, Hello Tiggy.

(PIPPA rushes to embrace KATE. KATE is less than enthused.)

PIPPA: Sister! And your royal highness.

WILLIAM: Oh please, none of that. Call me Prince William.

PIPPA: Yes your.. Prince William.

KATE: How are the preparations coming along? You know I would help but I have been so frightfully busy with galas and library openings, I barely have time to get married.

PIPPA: I know ... oh silly me. Let me finish hanging these

(PIPPA hangs the remaining flowers, turning to reveal her shapely figure to the audience. WILLIAM eyes her hungrily and licks his lips. KATE prods WILLIAM.)

KATE: Oh Pip, I've has left some of the Queen's things in the carriage, do be a dear and fetch them?

(KATE sits.)

TIGGY: Yes m'am.

TIGGY curtseys and motions to PIPPA.

PIPPA: Yes Kate.

(KATE coughs.)

PIPPA: Yes...your royal highness.

(KATE smiles.

Exit: PIPPA and TIGGY.)

WILLIAM: I say, its a pity she's your sister, I'd like to give her a jolly good biting.

KATE: Oh you are incorrigible. You have your pick of subjects, surely you can leave her alone.

(WILLIAM sits.)

WILLIAM: Well, you will understand after the ceremony tonight. Its not all the same you know.

KATE: What's not all the same?

WILLIAM: Why blood of course. Some is better than others.

(KATE stands and shivers shivers.)

KATE: It still gives me the creeps.

WILLIAM: I know darling, but its something we all have to deal with. "Heavy is the head that wears the crown," wot?

KATE: Oh William, did... did you ever think about drinking my blood?

WILLIAM (laughing): My dear Kate, I knew you were something special from the moment I laid eyes on you. I knew you were a royal even before you did. You do still want to be a Royal, don't you my pet?

KATE: Oh yes! Ever since I was a little girl I've dreamed of being a princess.

(KATE sits on WILLIAM's lap.)

WILLIAM: Well, then its settled. After tonights ceremony you will be a royal, and after the wedding tomorrow you'll be my wife.

KATE: Oh William, I do love you.

WILLIAM: I know darling, and I love you.

(They kiss. )

KATE: Ouch.

WILLIAM: Oh sorry dear...damn fangs.

KATE: My great big bat-man!

(They laugh.)

WILLIAM: Come darling, lets go visit granny. She's got a treat for me.

KATE: Really? Whatever could it be.

WILLIAM: Why, my own Dukedom I suspect.

KATE: Oh how marvellous!

WILLIAM: I should say so. Its tradition you know. Come, lets see her.

KATE: My duke!

WILLIAM: My duchess!

(Exit: WILLIAM and KATE.

Enter: TIGGY and PIPPA pulling a large cart of books and bottles.)

TIGGY: Oh god, its so heavy.

PIPPA: What on earth could the Queen want with all these old books? Surely they aren't for the royal wedding?

(PIPPA goes through the contents of the cart, and pull out a book.)

PIPPA: Its not even in English.

TIGGY: Oh, Old Romanian I suspect.

PIPPA: Romanian.

TIGGY places the book back on the cart. PIPPA pulls out another.

PIPPA(reading): The prophecy of Gehenna?

(TIGGY quickly takes the book and places it back on the cart.)

TIGGY: Oh, never mind that dear.

PIPPA picks up a bottle and opens it.

PIPPA: Oh what a horrid smell... Tiggy.

TIGGY: Careful Pippa, those belong to the Queen.

(TIGGY closes the bottle and puts it back.)

PIPPA: Really? I suppose I've never been close enough to smell her.

(PIPPA pulls out a knife and another bottle from the cart.)

PIPPA: A silver dagger...I suppose its for an order of Knights or something. And whats in this?

(PIPPA opens the bottle, TIGGY tries to stop her.)

TIGGY: No pip!

(PIPPA drops the bottle, spilling blood everywhere.)

PIPPA: Bloody hell... It's blood!

TIGGY: Oh dear.

PIPPA: What on earth is going on.

TIGGY: Its just the royal ketchup, I'm sure.

PIPPA: Don't be obtuse, its far to runny.

(PIPPA looks through the cart)

PIPPA: Theres bottles and bottles of it! And whats this?

(PIPPA pulls out a book. TIGGY looks nervous)

PIPPA (reading): Initiation rituals of the great Vampire clans? Good heavens, you don't think...

TIGGY (sighing): I told them it was a mistake.

PIPPA: What was a mistake?

TIGGY: Why, sooner or later you would have discovered the truth about the royals.

PIPPA: You mean, they are vampires!

TIGGY: Yes. One of the oldest and most dangerous clans.

PIPPA: Oh my god, my sister. I must help her.

TIGGY: There's nothing you can do.

(Enter: HARRY)

TIGGY: Harry! We thought you were still in Afghanistan.

(PIPPA Screams.)

HARRY: Wot? And miss my dear brother's wedding?

TIGGY: What do you know

HARRY: I know everything. I know how you manipulated me!

TIGGY: I must warn the Queen!

HARRY: Not a chance.

(TIGGY tries to run past HARRY. Harry howls and knocks her to the ground, killing her. HARRY approaches PIPPA cautiously.)

HARRY: Pippa, listen to me.

PIPPA: You... monster.

(PIPPA stabs HARRY with the knife. Harry falls to the ground, clutching his side. PIPPA rushes to TIGGY, bending to tend to her. HARRY checks out her bum.)

PIPPA: Tiggy...

HARRY: Pippa, listen to me.

PIPPA: Why should I listen to you? Your a vampire like the rest of the royals.

HARRY: No Pippa, I'm not like them. I'm different. I'm a werewolf, sworn to fight vampires!

PIPPA: Why should I believe you?

HARRY: Your dagger, it's silver. Werewolves are allergic to silver.

PIPPA: Werewolves, Vampires, its too much! I have to tell someone, I have to get help.

HARRY: Its not safe Pip. Listen, they killed my mother.

PIPPA: Princess Diana?

HARRY: Yes, she found out the truth, and they had her killed. I mean to avenge her death.

PIPPA: Why should I believe you?

HARRY: Because of the prophecy of Gehenna.

(PIPPA pulls the Prophecy of Gehenn from the cart.)

HARRY: Page 52

PIPPA (reading): "Now the wolf to aid mankind/ must seek the maid/ with the golden hind" ? Whatever does that mean.

HARRY: You, Pippa. You are the maid with the golden hind.

PIPPA: I thought the Golden Hind was a ship.

HARRY: Yes, so did the royals. Thats why you have been safe so far. Listen Pippa, if you want to save your sister, you must trust me.

PIPPA: My sister... will they eat her?

HARRY: No...

PIPPA: Kill her?

HARRY: No... but listen, there are fates worse than death.

PIPPA: Like what?

HARRY: They will turn her into a vampire.

PIPPA: Oh my god. When?

HARRY: The prophecy isn't that specific. After the wedding I suspect.

PIPPA: What on earth can we do?

HARRY: Listen Pippa, with your help, I can get into the wedding, defeat the vampires and put an end to their reign. England will be free again!

PIPPA: What about Scotland and Wales?

HARRY: Yes, yes. They will be free too.

PIPPA: And Northern Ireland?

HARRY: They will never be free... But three out of four isn't bad!

PIPPA: Yes, I suppose I should lower my expectations.

HARRY: You are British after all.

PIPPA: What do I need to do?

HARRY: First, get this dagger out of my side.

(PIPPA removes the dagger. HARRY groans.)

HARRY: Much better. Now, you need to hide me in the back room there. Tonight at midnight, I'll assume my wolf form. Then tomorrow, when all the royals are gathered for the wedding, all you need to do is open the door.

PIPPA: Ok, I'll do it!

HARRY: Good! I knew the prophecy wouldn't fail. When you bent over to help Tiggy, I knew I could count on you.

PIPPA: Oh my god, Tiggy!

HARRY: Don't worry about her, she's been in league with the vampires all along.

PIPPA: My goodness. Then she was going to have me killed when I discovered their secret.

HARRY: Yes, just like she had my mother killed.

PIPPA: Oh Harry, I'm so sorry.

HARRY: There's no time to feel sorry. Just let me know that I can count on you tomorrow.

PIPPA: Oh Harry, I swear it!

 


Scene 2: Kate's dressing room. PIPPA and SERVANT are helping KATE into her wedding dress._

KATE (Groaning): Oh, its so tight!

PIPPA: Almost there your highness.

KATE: Yes... almost there. Just a few more hours and I'll be a Duchess!

PIPPA: A Duchess?

KATE: Yes, didn't I tell you, the Queen gave us a dukedom. The old dear. Now, how do I look?

PIPPA: You look beautiful Kate... your highness.

KATE: I can't see myself in this mirror.

PIPPA: Thats odd.

KATE: You there, fetch a cleaning cloth. This mirror is broken.

(Exit: SERVANT.)

PIPPA: Listen Kate, there's something I have to tell you.

KATE: Yes pip? What is it?

PIPPA: The royals, I know they seem very nice to you and they have made you a duchess...

KATE: Duchess of Cambridge.

PIPPA: Yes, Duchess of Cambridge. But listen, they are all vampires.

KATE(laughing): Oh Pip, you always were such a card.

PIPPA: But its true! Just think, have you ever seen the Queen eat?

KATE: No, she's very discreet.

PIPPA: Its because she doesn't eat at all.

KATE: Why... you could be right. Good heavens, whatever shall we do?

PIPPA: Listen, its going to be all right. Harry is back from Afghanistan!

KATE: Harry? Prince Harry?

PIPPA: Yes, he's really a werewolf and he's sworn to put a stop to the vampires during your wedding.

KATE: Has he now. Well, thats good news. At least we will be safe from those ghastly vampires.

(Enter: SERVANT with cloth.

SERVANT begins cleaning the mirror.)

KATE: Pippa, you must go get ready. We can't let on that anything is a miss.

PIPPA: Yes, you're right. I love you, sister.

KATE: I love you too, darling.

(Exit: PIPPA.)

KATE(to SERVANT): You ther,e stop that. Run and fetch the Duke of Cambridge. And be quick about it, I have something urgent to tell him.

(Exit: SERVANT.)

_

Scene 3: Westminster Cathedral. the ROYALS and GUESTS are assembled. A silver net is suspended over the centre of the stage.


ARCHBISHOP: Your majesty.

QUEEN: We trust everything in order?

ARCHBISHOP: Yes m'am. It will be a wedding for the ages.

QUEEN: And you Charles, we trust everything else is in order.

CHARLES: Yes mother, everything is ready. Just think, after all these years I can finally get my hands on that little bastard.

QUEEN: Charles! We wont stand for that kind of talk. We must be quite prepared.

DUKE: Prepared? Everything is ship-shape.

(The DUKE points at the net. )

QUEEN: Very well then. Archbishop?

ARCHBISHOP: Yes m'am?

QUEEN: You may begin.

(A wedding fanfare plays.

Enter: KATE and PIPPA.

KATE and PIPPA proceed down the aisle, PIPPA carrying KATE's train. KATE takes her place next to WILLIAM and PIPPA turns to take her seat, opening the door on her way.)

ARCHBISHOP: Dearly beloved, Royals, Ministers, Prime ministers, Members of the press, bloggers... we are gathered here today to celebrate a joyous occasion. The marriage of this woman and this man...

HARRY (offstage): That is no man!

(Enter: Harry (as werewolf)

Exit: GUESTS and ARCHBISHOP, screaming.)

CHARLES, DUKE, and CAMILLA: Harry!

HARRY: Yes, you thought you were rid of me in Afghanistan. Well, you may have killed my mother, but you'll never kill me.

(DUKE bares his fangs and HARRY. HARRY tears off his limbs with a lupine howl. The DUKE dies.)

CHARLES(nervously): Harry my boy, you have it all wrong. I would never have hurt your mother, I loved her dearly.

(CAMILLA sneaks behind HARRY and tries to attack him while he is distracted. PIPPA grabs her.)

PIPPA: Harry!

(HARRY tears out CAMILLA's throat.)

CHARLES: Camilla!

HARRY: Mother knew. Mother knew everything.

CHARLES: You little bastard!

(CHARLES attacks HARRY. They fight.)

PIPPA: The Queen is getting away!

QUEEN(to William): You had better do something about him if you want to be King some day!

(HARRY kills CHARLES but he is wounded. HARRY steps towards KATE and WILLIAM. WILLIAM pulls a lever, releasing the net onto HARRY. WILLIAM Laughs.)

WILLIAM(to QUEEN): I don't want to be King someday. I want to be king now!

QUEEN: You ungrateful maggot!

WILLIAM: You think I'll wait patiently for you to die like my father? The fool, look how he's ended up.

QUEEN: He never would have been King, but you William, you could have had everything, but now you will have nothing.

(The QUEEN and WILLIAM fight. Exit QUEEN pursued by WILLIAM. PIPPA struggles with the net.)

PIPPA: Kate, help me.

KATE: You're too late! William already turned me, I'm already his Queen!

(KATE bares her fangs.)

PIPPA: No!

KATE: Yes, dear sister. I'm already a royal, and I'm hungry.

(KATE attacks PIPPA, they fight. They fall to the ground by the altar. KATE bites PIPPA's leg. PIPPA screams.)

KATE: Hmm, thats not right.

(KATE bites PIPPA in the neck.)

HARRY: Pippa!

(PIPPA groans in pain.

ENTER: QUEEN and WILLIAM, fighting. KATE stands, and grabs the QUEEN. WILLIAM pulls out the QUEEN's intestines, and she collapses, dead.)

WILLIAM: Kate!

KATE: My King!

WILLIAM: My Queen!

(KATE and WILLIAM share a bloody kiss.)

HARRY: Pippa... the lever!

(PIPPA pulls the lever and the net rises from HARRY. HARRY stands.)

HARRY: Brother!

(HARRY and decapitates WILLIAM KATE screams.)

KATE: No! You killed my Wills!

HARRY: Wills! He was a monster just like you.

(HARRY picks up a wedding banner. KATE staggers backwards towards the altar.)

KATE: I'm no monster. I'm a duchess, a queen!

HARRY: Your the grand daughter of a coal miner! You belong deep in the ground!

(HARRY impales KATE through the heart, pinning her to the altar.)

KATE: No.. I'm a royal!

(KATE dies.)

HARRY: Pippa!

(HARRY rushes to Pippa.)

HARRY: Are you alright?

PIPPA: My sister, the Queen.. its just too much.

HARRY: You're more of a queen than she ever was.

(PIPPA coughs blood.)

PIPPA: Harry... I can't. I dont have the strength.

HARRY: Quiet, Pip. Quiet now.

(PIPPA shudders. The lights dim.)

HARRY (sobbing): Pippa!

(A Full moon is revealed through the window of the cathedral, shining on PIPPA, held in HARRY's arms. Distant howling is heard.)

HARRY: The moon! The call of the wolves!

HARRY scratches PIPPA's face.

HARRY: I curse you Pippa Middleton. I curse you with the legacy of the lycans.

(PIPPA'S eyes open and she stirs, touches HARRY'S face. )

PIPPA: Harry.

(HARRY raises his head in an ecstatic howl.)

The End.


_Prince Harry: The Lycan's Legacy is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 2.0 UK: England & Wales License. The image of the werewolf is by Nat (jinkies36)._


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